Mouth madness

Caffeine intake today: Do six small coffees count as 3 normal ones?

As a parent awkward, amusing and strange things are integral to daily life, especially when someone speaks. Nearly every day either one of us or the kids will say something we never thought we’d hear any human being say but I’m pretty sure that’s standard for most families (and people for who work with politicians).

My husband recently developed a mild case of half termitis, for those of you that don’t know what this is, let me explain. It’s a cruel disease adults develop after having spent 7 or more days with children, resulting in the body and mind becoming inflamed and irritable, leading to a breakdown of most basic functions. The symptoms are: confusion, tiredness, uncontrollable crying, forgetting multiple items from the supermarket shop, turning left instead of right, right instead of left, drinking booze more frequently and earlier in the day and a degeneration of speech – it was this last symptom that hit Dan the hardest this half term.

During the school break we took the kids to a wild life outdoorsy type thing (you can tell I’m down with it) which had a barefoot trail for children to explore different sensations with their bare feet. Dan did it with Ben, but before they got going Ben asked “Why do we take our shoes and socks off Daddy?” Dan replied “So we can feel all the feels Ben”. Ben seemed to accept this answer and moved on to squidging his toes in mud. I on the other hand noticed this slight error in the construction of the English language and made a mental note to keep an eye out for other symptoms of half termitis in my husband. The very next day Edi and I were “helping” Dan fix a few old things so we didn’t have to buy new ones, Edi said to Dan “Daddy? Wha gee bah doodi?” (She’s two) this translated means: “Daddy, what are you doing?”. Dan replied “Well Edi, I’m doing a few jobs so we can use things for uses” (pronounced yous-is). An hour later he got lost walking around the house, cracked open a beer, realised he forgot to buy crisps from the supermarket, so he cried and fell asleep. It was confirmed, he had it – half termitis.

But it doesn’t have to be an intense few days with kids to bring on strange speech or odd phrases, oh no, it only takes seconds of crazy and our mouths lose it and go mad. The little grotesque sentences unwittingly pop out of our mouths and hang in the air allowing others to remember them and use them to frame our personalities for years to come. Here are some more ‘mouth madness’ beauties (or should that be “uglies”?) we’ve come out with in nearly six years of being a family (please note: Edi can’t speak properly yet, when she can I’m sure this list will grow, immensely):

From me to Edi: “Edi! Eat your melon please, don’t colour it in”
From me to Ben: “I am warning you, DO NOT stick that hazelnut up your bottom!”
From Dan to B: “It is NOT nice to pooh on people!”
From me to B (shouted): “Ben! Do. Not. Put. Your. Willy. In. Your. Sister’s. Face! There will be no cake if you if do that again!”
From me to E: “Edi, give Mummy back the knife…”
From me to D: “Where’s the oogeemiflip for the whatsit?” (scarily, he knew what I meant)
From D to me: “How do you lose a potato peeler?” Me: “Is that a challenge or a question? Either way I don’t know” D: “But we’ve lost ours…” Me: “Why are you surprised?” D: “Because it’s a potato peeler”.
From B: Whilst watching ‘One of our Dinosaurs is missing’, at the end of the film one of the Nannies has a fight with a bad guy, Ben noted this and said “She’s cool. She’s old, but she’s really useful”
From me to D: “Where’s the ipad?” D: “Ben’s got it” Me: “But I thought we agreed he was going to play outside?” D: “Yeah, he’s playing on the ipad outside.”
From B: Getting ready for bed he stands with his back to the mirror and bends over: “Look Mummy, when I do this I can see the hole in my bottom.”
From me to D: “Just in case you’re back late.” D: “Did you say the first half of that sentence in your head?” Me: “Yes.” D: “How am I supposed to know what you mean then?” Me: “Stop getting at me” D: “?…”
From B: “Mummy, I’ve just pulled a bogey out of my ear. Look”
But I think my favourite one comes from Dan after a particular gruelling and sleepless night with Ben. The next day at work he was attempting to impart wisdom to a colleague: “They’ll never know what you’re thinking if you don’t know what you’re thinking yourself”. This is very true.

Bea x






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