Caffeine intake so far today: 3 cups of coffee. I’m now on count down to a reasonable time to pour a glass of wine, is 5pm acceptable? Before 7pm is more acceptable on Fridays, right?
This recipe is dedicated to every lady behind the bags, I salute you, you are wonderful.
Today dear readers I am branching out into cooking, cooking up my bag which is a delightful aid for when nothing else will do but to go out as a haphazard Bag Lady, as I do frequently. I can highly recommend it for the school run, the food shop, day-to-day browsing in markets, charity shops and for dragging children into coffee shops for a catch up with friends and having a terrible time because of terrible children (why do we do it? In my experience coffee shops and young kids don’t mix). This recipe works for me every time to achieve my Bag Lady persona and what makes it extra special it’s super flexible, as long as only 5 per cent of the ingredients are necessary items it never fails!
Disclaimer: All ingredients listed below were identified and recorded in one rare ‘Bag Lady’ clearing out session. Therefore I cannot be precisely sure how long each ingredient had been festering in the bag, so I cannot guarantee you will get the exact same results as I did. However as long as the bag is stretched, bulging, worn and cutting into your shoulder then I’m sure the amount of grime and dirt on each ingredient won’t matter too much, as long as there’s some.
1 x massive cloth bag, stretched and preferably two to three years old
1 x ink from a broken biro
1 x small Tupperware box containing stale, broken bread sticks
2 x football stickers
3 x supermarket receipts, one recent, two from 6 months ago
1 x arboretum ticket from 2014, soaked from leaking child’s drink, ignored and allowed to dry inside bag
2 x hairbands with balls of hair wrapped around each one
1 x pink hair clip
3 x small stones
1 x small stick
1 x tampon
1 x plastic carrier bag, screwed up
1 x Frozen ruler (Disney only, not to be confused with a ruler that has been in the freezer)
2 x biros, only one should be working
1 x notepad
1 x Calpol ‘syringe-type’ dispenser, used
1 x roller ball essential oil dispenser for revitalising one’s self (make sure it doesn’t work otherwise you won’t get the same knackered look I achieve)
1 x brown colouring pencil
1 x loose penny
1 x cream blush with a penny pushed into it (make sure you get a child under 3 to do this, it really adds to wrecking the blush)
1 x lipstick, never used, always lost
1 x lime
1 x Batman sock
1 x adult female sock, doesn’t have to be yours
1 x set of keys
1 x purse
1 x pull up nappy
1 x make up bag, extra grimy on the inside
A large pinch of not giving a shit about order and presentation
Muddy puddle, optional
Note: whilst making this recipe please do not worry about making a mess, it will add to the charm of the finished product and to the beauty of your house.
Take the empty cloth bag and zip open. Pour the ink from the broken biro into the lining of the bag. Let the ink dry in the bag for 2 hours minimum, overnight if possible. Once the ink is dry you can continue onto stage two.
Put the lime to one side. Throw the rest of the ingredients into the bag and shake, no need to zip it up as there is nothing of value in it apart maybe for the stones and stick, it may be wise to zip them safely into the inside pocket within the bag (if you lose these ingredients the kids will chuck their nut, metaphorically and if holding any nuts, literally). Do not worry about losing keys or purse, whilst carrying the bag and enacting the Bag Lady persona you will lose them three times a day anyway so why not make this process one of those three? If anything else falls out, shrug and say “meh”.
Once thoroughly rattled, if possible and depending on how far you want to go with the bag and persona, place the bag in a muddy puddle whilst searching for your keys. This will really add to the final appearance.
Finally, take the lime and put it into the bag during a moment of rushing to get out the house or even better, a moment of utter chaos – the more hectic the moment the better so you are likely to forget you have done it. This way, during one of those times you are digging about in the bag for your keys or purse you will come across it and will be delightfully surprised and confused in equal measure.
Et voila! You have your very own bag of junk to carry about your shoulder to slowly saw it off. I hope you enjoy finding the lime as much as I did.