A live television report for you today. The news anchor is Andrew Noying and the reporter at the scene is Penelope D’off.
Andrew: The conflict in the Wildered house is growing, we are going live to our Shattered Mother correspondent, Penelope D’off, to hear the latest from the front line. Penelope, can you give us a summary of the conflict to date.
Penelope: Hello Andrew, well as you know at the start of the summer holidays things in the Wildered house started off well but in the last week things have taken a turn for the worse. The mother in question Bea Wildered, did get off to a good start with her plan and activities bowl, however the youngest, Edi, caught a bad cold and that has thrown the plan somewhat. After two days in the house, the activities bowl has lost its appeal with the eldest child, Ben, and he has since flung himself on the floor in a Willem Dafoe, (in Platoon) manner at the mention of the bowl.
Andrew: And how has Bea dealt with this situation?
Penelope: Well Andrew, not too well. As you can see from behind me the house is what can only be described as a ‘tip’, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded for two days, dirty dishes are covering the entire work surface and if I look closely at some of them, I can see mould growing. There is a vast amount of crayon on the walls, it does look as though from a bottle of cleaner and a very smelly dish cloth that someone has attempted to get it off the walls but with little effort and success, the bins haven’t been emptied and the fruit bowl contents is practically a liquid. A little earlier I took a look upstairs and the carpet in every room is covered with piles of clean and dirty laundry, old coffee cups, there are some dirty plates and my cameraman even found a rotten sausage in the toddler’s room.
Andrew: Are you sure it was a sausage Penelope?
Penelope: Yes Andrew, we prodded it with a stick and sniffed it. Definitely a sausage.
Andrew: Just checking, Penelope.
Penelope: We can also see evidence of an increased alcohol intake from the three empty bottles of Merlot here on the windowsill. And if I take you into the living room, Andrew, you will see that the TV has burnt out from over-use, and we have even had early reports claiming that Mr Tumble has refused to broadcast to this address until Mrs Wildered has learned to use Cbeebies proportionately.
Andrew: That is frightening to hear Penelope, what do think have been the biggest contributing factors to this situation?
Penelope: Well it’s been a tough few days Andrew, Edi has been extremely clingy and Bea hasn’t been able to go to the toilet on her own. Edi is also very whingey and has started to hit and scratch Bea in the face. It seems Edi can’t be without her mother at the moment but equally can’t spend thirty minutes in her company without walloping her or ripping some of the skin off of her nose.
Andrew: And what about the boy?
Penelope: Ben has been climbing the walls with boredom and has for the first time, started to show signs of jealousy of his sister and the attention she gets from his mother (as he would see it). This has resulted in lots of bad behaviour, screaming, kicking out at both his sister and his mother and he has also taken to disagreeing with everything his mother says or does. There have been a lot of arguments and I have to tell you Andrew that the discipline side of things, specifically carrying out the consequences of bad behaviour, have really gone out the window. One neighbour even heard Bea shout “Ben, if you hit your sister one more time there will be no television ever again!” I think we can safely say that’s not a threat Bea will ever carryout.
Andrew: Quite! Has this coincided with any potty training for Edi? That’s usually something that contributes to a shattered mother.
Penelope: No Andrew. However Edi does keep taking her nappy off and pooing on various floors around the house, especially in the lounge where there’s a carpet. The poos and the difficult behaviour we’ve been talking about have resulted in a vast amount of tantrums, tantrums many people have heard and talked about.
Andrew: Can you tell us more about these tantrums?
Penelope: Yes, yesterday after a poo was cleared up off the carpet Ben jumped on the new sofa, ignored her pleas for him to get down and Bea cried and said to her children “look what you’ve done to me”.
Andrew: I meant Ben’s tantrums, Penelope.
Penelope: Oh, sorry Andrew. Well, as I mentioned before, Ben is struggling with staying at home whilst his sister is unwell, he wants to go out and they can’t because of his sister being unwell and the bad weather. Consequently he wants to be entertained all hours of the day which Bea has tried to keep up with, but Ben has started to treat Bea as his slave and has come very expectant and demanding, for example he’s finding it difficult to take the 10 steps to go to the bin and so passes all rubbish to his mother. His ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’ have also disappeared and he feels unjustly put upon if he is asked to clean his teeth or to get dressed. Apparently the only time he isn’t whining at the moment is when the TV is on. But, yesterday after a long stint the TV burnt out, and then the whining started up again. Apparently everything is boring and he doesn’t want to do anything his mummy suggests, he swings his arms, throws his head back and whines and cries, Andrew I’ve been told it’s a similar sound to a fox screeching whilst being bitten by a badger.
Andrew: Really Penelope?
Penelope: Really Andrew.
Andrew: This all sounds very distressing, so why hasn’t Bea done the sensible thing and asked for help?
Penelope: Because she’s British Andrew.
Andrew: Of course Penelope. So what does all this mean?
Penelope: It means Andrew, that Bea has completely and utterly run out of steam and is quite frankly an emotional wreck. Consequently she has been using the television to fall back on too much during the times that has been Edi poorly and Ben is throwing major tantrums. In short Andrew, at times like this without the activities bowl and the plan working combined with a sick child, Bea is stuck.
Andrew: Hmm, interesting. Do we have any idea where they all are now?
Penelope: We do have confirmation that Dan is at work, but his colleagues say he looks like an “unhealthy version of Robinson Crusoe”, allegedly the moment he walks through the door Bea hands over the children and locks herself in the bathroom until she hears the pop of a wine bottle being opened and the familiar sounds of ‘Gigglebits’ on the television. Our sources say Dan and has booked a flight to Malaysia for a week long meeting, there is speculation that he has done this to get away from the hideous scenes here, but he is insistent that it is just ‘business as usual’.
Andrew: And what about Bea and the children?
Penelope: From what we can gather from speaking to friends and neighbours, the children have been sent to their grandparents for a couple of nights.
Andrew: Where is Bea? Is she with you now?
Penelope: Andrew, I’m sorry to tell you that Bea is in a coffee coma.
Andrew: Dear God! Is that possible?
Penelope: Yes Andrew, it is an incredibly rare thing, the body and brain short-circuit from a caffeine overload, everything scrambles and the body shuts down whilst it tries to recover, which can take days.
Andrew: Can you tell us what happened in Bea’s case?
Penelope: Well Andrew, her next door neighbour told me that this morning about 6am, Bea was found by the man driving the recycling truck wandering in front of her house, shaking and jittering uncontrollably, whilst jabbering what has been described as, “weird shit”. It was shortly after being found that she collapsed and her family and ambulance were alerted.
Andrew: Where is she now?
Penelope: She is in a specialist centre for caffeine addicts and we have been told that she could be there for some time.
Andrew: A sad day, Penelope.
Penelope: Yes Andrew, a sad day.
Andrew: Thank you, Penelope. And now, in other news coffee sales have dramatically dropped in the last twelve hours. Sellers aren’t sure what has caused this phenomenon…