Andrew Noying and Penelope D’Off are back to tell us the latest sagas from Wildered Towers…
Andrew: We can now give you a full report on Bea Wildered’s Summer Holiday. Our Shattered Mother correspondent Penelope D’Off is in Wildered Towers, the home of Beatrice Wildered. Penelope, can you give us a run-down of the latest events after Bea came out of her coffee coma and returned home four weeks ago.
Penelope: Good afternoon Andrew, as you say Bea Wildered has been out of her coffee coma and home for the last four weeks after which we have been told she initially recovered quickly but sadly it is rumoured that due to the remainder of the summer holidays containing stressful and tiring events, that Bea is back on the caffeine.
Andrew: That’s upsetting to hear Penelope, what has led people to believe this may be the case?
Penelope: Well Andrew, initially it was all looking very good, Bea’s early recuperation after leaving the Centre Of Fevered Families and Exhausted Executives was successful and our sources tell us that Bea carried on her treatment at home, drinking plenty of water, herbal teas and wasn’t once caught chatting nonsense by any recycling men at 6.30 in the morning. But unfortunately the toll of looking after two small children 24 hours a day for the remainder of the holidays inevitably kicked in. We know that the two children, Ben 5 and Edi 2, who aren’t used to spending as much time together argued frequently and the screams between the two of them have been heard from as far as two streets away. Indeed one lady who lives in the next street, called the RSPCA believing the noise to be organised seagull fighting, when it was actually Bea’s children arguing over TV programmes.
Andrew: If they’re that noisy are we sure they’re even children Penelope? Could they be gorillas or small camels in disguise?
Penelope: I’m not sure how loud camels are Andrew, but we are confident they are human, just very loud and screamy ones. Some residents have complained to the council and they are looking into enforcing noise restriction on the Wildered family, and if they break that they could be looking at a hefty fine or an ASBO.
Andrew: That must be a very stressful situation for someone recovering from a coffee coma. Is this what has led Bea back into drinking coffee?
Penelope: As I say, Andrew, we can’t definitely confirm that Bea is drinking coffee again and there is quite a lot of evidence to show that Bea is coping much better than before the coma. As you can see around me in the kitchen it is in much better condition than when we were last here, there are less empty bottles of wine on the window sill – only two this time, the mouldy food and stacks of dirty crockery have gone, the crayon has been cleaned off of the walls and the piles of clean and dirty laundry have been taken care of upstairs, but if you follow me through to the living room, Andrew you will see that the curtains that Bea shrunk over two months ago haven’t yet been replaced and are still looking immensely silly, the television screen is barely visible due to the thick coating of dust and if you look at the carpet you will see it is clearly in need of a vacuum. In fact when we entered the property earlier today my cameraman found four dead moths, one partial apple core and 25 raisins.
Andrew: Why doesn’t Bea vacuum the carpet? Is it too much for her to cope with?
Penelope: Speaking to her mother, Andrew, I think it’s more a case of Bea “not giving a shit” because “she has got more important things to do” like “playing with her kids and refereeing their arguments” which on the one hand shows that Bea has got her bite back but on the other hand there is moth hospice accumulating around my feet as we speak.
Andrew: So if the housework isn’t causing her concern, is it the children’s arguments that have sparked the rumours?
Penelope: Unfortunately Andrew we do know that there is more going on than just the children arguing and that their behaviour has been very challenging over the summer holidays. We spoke to a lady that works in the local sweet shop who told us that Ben threw a “mother fucker” of a tantrum when he couldn’t get the sweets he wanted with the twenty pence that his mother had given him. Apparently Ben flung himself on the floor and rolled about screaming and when Bea made any form of suggestion to him he would continue to “freak out” and on a number of occasions told his mother that “he hated her and her twenty pence”. Regrettably this behaviour has meant they are now banned from the sweet shop, the Post Office and the Tesco Express. Friends tell us Bea blames the “crappy toys on the front of the ridiculously over-priced children’s magazines” for the Tesco Express ban. Edi has also developed an aggravating habit of asking “what’s that?” for every item she sees. We were told by the local museum that due to this questioning the family entered at 10am last Tuesday and didn’t leave until Thursday afternoon. The museum where able to provide bedding, food and water but they say things were very tense and at one point when they were looking at a large dinosaur’s skeleton and they got to the vertebrae, Bea cried.
Andrew shakes his head sadly: There are a lot of vertebrae.
Penelope nods solemnly and sighs: There are. We also know that the 2 year old is learning to become more territorial, which is not only evident in the rows between the two children but also in her pulling her brother’s hair and biting him, her father and her mother when she doesn’t get her own way. We hear that due to Edi’s biting Dan’s hands and shins are bandaged and he is finding it difficult to walk, eat, work and shave, and because he’s too old to carry off the young man’s beard trend, he just looks homeless.
Andrew: I think it’s fair to say that we can see the stress in these situations, Penelope, but has anyone actually seen Bea drink any coffee as a result?
Penelope : No Andrew, nobody we‘ve spoken to has actually seen Bea drinking coffee and our sources tell us that she hasn’t had the bad coffee breath she once had giving her a lonely 5 metre radius in the school playground, but some neighbours have reported erratic events which could be a sign of coffee induced madness. We spoke to her next door neighbour earlier today, a Mr Nigel Oseygit, to see if he could shed any light on the matter:
(Shot switches to pre recorded footage of Mr Oseygit in his back garden surrounded by rose bushes and a step ladder propped up against the fence.)
Penelope: Mr Oseygit, what sorts of things do you hear coming from Wildered Towers?
Mr Oseygit: Well, Penelope. I ‘ave ‘eard a lot, and I mean a lot of screeching and screaming about ‘that’s mine, give it back, it’s my go, share’ and suchlike, and as for the kids, well they’re even worse! I mean, they really scream if things don’t go their way. Two weeks ago the big’un ‘ad a massive tantrum about his ice lolly meltin’, I mean, you’d ‘ave thought the ‘ole word was endin’ the way that little bugger carried on. I mean, it really was a massive fuss and when ‘is mum bought ‘im out a new one ee screamed even more because it was the wrong colour! I mean, kids these days don’t know they’re born do they!
Penelope: And have you heard many of these types of tantrums?
Mr Oseygit: Oh yeah! Daily! Only yesterday the little’un pulled out some of the big’un’s ‘air and then the big’un hit the little’un, she screamed and kicked the big’un, then the big’un pushed the little’un over and it was only then the mother finally sorted it out.
Penelope: Why do you think it took her so long?
Mr Oseygit: Well, from what I could gather she was ‘avin a wee, but if you ask me she should ‘ave stopped that and sorted it out sooner, women ‘ave got no pelvic floor these days.
Penelope: So, do you think that Bea is improving since the coffee coma incident?
Mr Oseygit: Well, I ‘aven’t ‘eard as much drunken singing, thankfully, so that’s good. But she’s still using crayons to do ‘er make-up, so that’s not good.
Mr Oseygit: Yeah, must be crayons, she looks a right mess. My daughter works down the school and she told me that first day back after the ‘olidays the ‘ead Mistress mistook Mrs Wildered to be Alice Cooper Tumble, thought one of the kids ‘ad won a competition like.
Penelope: So do you think Bea’s in danger of going back on the coffee again?
Mr Oseygit: Yes, I think so.
Mr Oseygit: Because I was walking through the village with my dog Parker and I ‘eard this right racket, music it was, I’ve been told from other people that also ‘eard it that it was a song called ‘Summer of 69’ with a boy called Jodie in it, I mean, Jodie! Who calls their boy Jodie? Anyway, I was walking with Parker and this bloomin’ racket was getting louder and louder as it got closer, there’s a 20 mile ‘our limit in the village so it did take a while to get to me like, but when it did I could see it was ‘er! This old shit banger of a car she’s got wobbles past me like Fred bloody Flintstone was drivin’, blarin’ out that ‘ead bangin’ nonsense. I mean, I knew her car was shit, but bloody ‘ell, I’m sure she ain’t cleaned it for months! She left a trail of dust be’ind ‘er in the road!…
(Penelope opens her mouth as if to speak but Mr Oseygit ignores her.)
…a right mess she looked, chuggin’ along at twenty miles an ‘our, bangin’ ‘er ‘ead up and down with an arm ‘anging out the winda. I mean, what a sate!
Penelope: Was she drinking coffee at the time?
Mr Oseygit: No.
Penelope: Have you seen Bea drinking coffee?
Mr Oseygit: No, but I ‘ave ‘eard lots of slurpin.
Mr Oseygit: Yeah, specially early in the morning. She sits right into the corner so I can’t see ‘er like, but I can still ‘ear it and I ‘ave definitely seen steam!
Penelope: But couldn’t that be herbal tea or hot water even?
Mr Oseygit: Yeah, I s’pose. But what sort of person uses crayons for make-up and rocks along like a wrong’un at twenty miles an hour in their dirty, shit banger of a car? I’ll tell you oo! A coffee drinker, that’s oo!
(Back in the studio)
Andrew: Oh dear, I think it’s fair to say it’s a bit of a mess isn’t it Penelope. How are they going to move forward from here?
Penelope: We have been reliably informed that Bea is looking for a job.
Andrew: A job!
Penelope: Yes Andrew, a job.
Andrew: My goodness! Thanks for that very interesting report Penelope, we look forward to hearing more. Exciting stuff folks. Now, in other news military spyware has been stolen and is reported to have been spotted in the area, police are interviewing nosey neighbours…