Hi! How are you? Long time no speak. Hope all’s well with you and yours. Me? I’m really well thank you, glad to see the back of shitty 2016 where it felt like everyone died and we all cried over lost talents and legends and the world of politics went loop-the-fucking-loop. However, I’m trying to remain positive and I’m looking forward to a little less shittier 2017…
Sorry. I just remembered about Trump imminently becoming President of North America in 2017 which induced a strange few minutes where I became lost in a dystopian fantasy: We all lived under an arrogant, repressive world power who told us which pigeon hole we belonged in and in which we had to live, and whenever we left it we had to wear orange faces and partially died wigs with a sign on them telling others the pigeon hole we belonged in. After a time, we all became short sighted and had to wear glasses and the orange permanently dyed our skin. I really confused myself for a moment there, but after a long meditation, a glass of water and a cup of tea I feel like I’m back in the room now. I promise I won’t mention the Massive Fart again (Although it has ruined the game Top Trumps for me now. I think I’m going to have to re-name it “Top Score”? No, too boring. “I Win”? No, too gloating and it’ll piss me off if I’m not the one saying it. I’m going to have to go with something less logical and more completely and utterly made up. “Top Nungdungers”? It’ll have to do. “Top Nungdungers” it will be hence forth known as in Wildered Towers).
So, how was your New Year and Christmas? Good? Good. What’s that? Oh really! Well, funny you should say that, because I cooked the turkey with the packet of giblets in it too! Didn’t tell a soul and do you know what? No bugger noticed, not one, all nine of them tucked in not smelling or tasting the slight plastic waft exuding from some cuts of turkey and no one was sick – bonus! What’s that you say? Too much to drink and eat, yes me too! We have so much in common! I had a red wine joker smile and black teeth from the 1st December. You too? Excellent, we’re getting along famously! Are you doing ‘Dry January’? Good for you, it’s great to give your body a break. Me? No, fuck that! Booze and food are some of my very few creature comforts and I will not deprive myself of them. I did however, try to avoid the red wine last weekend and drank white instead thinking that because it’s a more transparent liquid than red wine, it might somehow be more cleansing for my body – it wasn’t. One glass got me really pissed in a very heady way and I had a stonking hangover the next day. Why is that? Why is it that white wine drinkers can’t drink red wine because it gets them too drunk too quickly, or gives them a headache and vice versa? Anyhow, I’ve stocked up on the good old reliable Merlot again. All this is proof that cleansing one’s system does not work and one should never do it.
Diet? Nope, not doing that either, I’m actually eating chocolate as I type (it’s part of my dystopian fantasy recovery, a bit like Harry Potter and the Dementors – now there’s an analogy for you!). Between you and me, the chocolate is the cheapest of cheap supermarket savers brand you find on the bottom shelf, I bought it for baking, but recovery from catastrophic thinking is a must.
Anyhoo… So, what’s new with me you ask? Well, I’m so pleased you asked because I have big news people, and no it’s not that I have a new haemorrhoid (why don’t they warn you about haemorrhoids before you push the blighters out? I’d have opted for a C-section if I’d have known that I’d be nursing by bum hole for the rest of my life – and that’s not a metaphor for my husband).
If you follow me on Facebook or read my blog you’ll know that I’ll wanted to bring about change in my life by way of getting a job and that being a full time mum no longer cut the mustard for me. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, had a lonely bank account and a weary self-esteem, it was plain to see that my day-to-day life was no longer bringing me the satisfaction it once did. So, with a little effort on my part and a bloody brilliant husband (See! He really isn’t a grape attached to a bum hole, he’s actually lovely), I have bought about said change. I, me, little Ms Beatrice Wildered am training to be a gardener! Hurray! I flipping love it! I’m doing the odd job here and there whilst learning my craft elsewhere in a local, beautiful, formal garden – Get me! I’m soooooooooo much happier! I feel like I’m using my brain and body differently, in a way that I love and I’m really enjoying learning again and meeting new people. I’m less moody, more relaxed and feel like I’ve done the right thing for me and my family.
So, goodbye weird 2016 and hello 2017 – I’m going to be digging you up and planting a little bit of life in you… and continuing to buy various brands of cream for my bottom.