Dedicated to every lady behind the bags, I salute you. You are wonderful xxx
This recipe is a delightful aid for when nothing else will do but to go out looking like a Haphazard Bag Lady, as I do frequently. I can highly recommend it for the school run, shopping in the supermarket and day to day browsing. It works for me every time.
Disclaimer: All ingredients were identified in one Bag Lady session so I cannot be sure precisely how long each ingredient had been festering in the bag, therefore I cannot guarantee you will get the exact same results as I did. However as long as the bag is stretched, cutting into your shoulder and really adding to the impact of your Bag Ladyness then I’m sure the amount of grime and dirt on each ingredient won’t matter too much.
There is the key. The key is perhaps the drawer's most distinguished resident. It is a proper key — not a novelty, not a padlock key, but a real door key, cut for a real lock, by a real person who presumably had a reason. The reason is no longer available. The door it opens may no longer exist. The key remains, because throwing away a key feels like the kind of thing that will be immediately punished by the universe.
Ingredients* 1 x massive cloth bag, stretched and preferably two to three years old 1 x ink from a broken biro 1 x small tupperware box containing stale, broken bread sticks 2 x football stickers 3 x supermarket receipts, one recent, two from 6 months ago 1 x arboretum ticket from 2014, soaked from leaking child’s drink and then dried 2 x hairbands 3 x small stones 1 x tampon 1 x plastic carrier bag 1 x Frozen ruler (Disney only, not to be confused with a ruler that has been in the freezer) 2 x biros, only one should be working 1 x notepad 1 x Calpol syringe-eques dispenser, used. 1 x roller ball essential oil dispenser for revitalising one’s self, make sure it doesn’t work other you won’t get the same knackered look I achieved 1 x brown colouring pencil 1 x loose penny 1 x cream blush with a penny pushed into it (make sure you get a child under 3 to do this, it really adds to wrecking the blush) 1 x lipstick, never used, always lost. 1 x lime 1 x Batman sock 1 x adult female sock (doesn’t have to be yours) 1 x set of keys 1 x purse 1 x pull up nappy 1 x make up bag, extra grimy on the inside A large pinch of not giving a shit about order and presentation Muddy puddle - optional
Method (please note, whilst making this recipe, please do not worry about making a mess, it will add to the charm of the finished product and the beauty of your house) Stage one Take the cloth bag and zip open. Pour in the ink from the broken biro into the lining of the bag. Let the ink dry in the bag for 2 hours minimum, overnight if possible. Once the ink is dry you can continue onto stage two. Stage two Put the lime to one side. Throw the rest of the ingredients into the bag and shake, no need to zip it up as there is nothing of value in it, apart from maybe for the stones – it may be wise to zip them up in the inside pocket (if you lose them the kids will chuck there nut, metaphorically and if holding any nuts, literally). Do not worry about losing keys or purse, whilst enacting this persona you will lose them three times a day anyway so this process can be one of those three. If anything else falls out, shrug and say “meh”. Once thoroughly rattled, if possible, place in a muddy puddle whilst searching for your keys. This will really add to the final appearance. Finally, take the lime and be sure to place it in the bag during a moment of rushing about or even better; chaos, so you are likely to forget you have done it. This way, during one of those times you are digging about in the bag for your keys or purse you will be delightfully surprised and confused in equal measure. Et voila! You have your very own bag of junk to carry about your shoulder. I hope you enjoy finding the lime as much as I did. Lot of Love, Mostly Bewildered x
*This is an honest list of what I found in my bag during a rare moment of cleaning it out.